Setting the Stage for Your Dance of Intimacy – Part 1

So often “Sex after Marriage” becomes a joke simply because it gradually either dwindles into non-existence or becomes a duty to perform – especially for those wives who were told that their husbands need it, and her body belongs to him. (I am not referring here to any abusive or masochistic tendencies that sadly happen all too frequently in religious marriages. I am assuming here that both partners are in a ‘normal’ marriage and just want to experience those wonderful promises of delight in the bedroom).
Quite typically, of course, most couples get so busy with the various must-do’s, work, childrearing, and other seemingly unending activities bringing their various stressors with them, that intimacy in the bedroom gets put on the backburner as not important enough to consider, let alone have the energy to ‘endulge’ in.

Allow me to awaken your deep yearning desires – you may not even be aware of – and inspire you to dream about a non-rushed and exquisite form of lovemaking. Admittedly, it is quite an involved time of delight but it is so worth it all! It’s a most delicious dance of spirituality and lovemaking that each couple dances to their own unique rhythm reflecting their very own love relationship as well as their level of intimacy they have grown to.

Suffice it to say, this takes time, dedication, preparation, skill, knowledge, deep understanding of yourself and your partner in the Dance of Intimacy. It means slowing down from the hectic rat race of the day and work life. It means becoming still, reflective, honouring, respecting and cherishing, certainly at that moment in time.

Sadly, most people are not prepared for the Dance of Intimacy when they enter marriage. They know what sex is, it’s natural, anyone can do it (and so can animals). They may either have done it before marriage, they may have felt titillatingly naughty, some think nothing of it, afterall everyone around them does the same, or they feel ashamed or even damaged. Some couples may have waited till after the “I do”, only to find that it was such a disappointing let-down (especially for the woman), like an overrated activity where mainly the man gets pleasure. Sure, I am aware that this is a vast over generalization. There are plenty of couples who enjoy it increasingly so as the years go by. If this is you, consider yourself blessed, as you are in the minority!

As mentioned before, the rather common scenario is that both partners find they are so busy and so exhausted with so many things on their plate already with worries about bills, kids, with demanding or ageing/ailing parents / in-laws that the last thing on their mind is to make love. Usually bed is a place you crash and exhaustedly sleep after a gruelling day of work challenges (for both husband and wife), challenges with growing kids, etc. So, on top of it all, rather than snuggling in each other’s arms, bed time becomes discussion time over lack of finance and other worries.

When *it* does happen, it’s a rush job, resulting in the woman either being glad it’s over, or lying next to a snoring husband not even having had a chance to get aroused.

Certainly this is not what God had in mind when He created all the myriad of nerve cells, glands and feel-good hormones. All those pleasure zones are pretty irrelevant for procreation. God actually created us to experience pleasure contrary to popular opinion.

It was not the devil’s idea for people to have deliciously sensual pleasure. In fact, the devil never originated anything, rather, he is referred as the father of all lies, there is no truth in him and he is a thief to come to steal and destroy. All he can do is to steal what God had originally created and pervert it.

Isn’t it amazing that God created the female to have way more nerve endings both all over her body and especially in the genital area than males? Isn’t it also amazing that God created the masculine which is directive and purposeful to actually derive exponentially greater pleasure in servant leadership …. even in the bedroom?

Frankly, men have been deprived and conned out of greater pleasure by simply rushing through it all.

For now, let’s set the stage a little, in other words, preparation.

Why are preparation and the right ambience so powerful?

Unless you’re new in your marriage relationship and everything is oozing with passion that you can’t actually wait to get into the bedroom, and that the hallway, the kitchen, … is as good as anywhere …  a woman, in particularly needs some “warming up”.

Every person’s arousal is somewhere on a scale between purely body arousal and almost purely mental/mind arousal.

It would be well to get to know yourself and your spouse where each one of you has their natural preference point on that scale. Every person is uniquely different; nothing is better or worse, just like brown eyes are not better than blue eyes, just different.

Once you know your preferred default point on that scale, which by the way can vary according to various stressors in life and moods, you can then creatively work with it.

We often think we know our spouses very well, when we frequently don’t even know ourselves…

Typically, women tend to be more on the mind side of the scale mentioned above. You may have heard it said, that women’s sex organ is the brain; actually there is more truth to that than this jokey glib statement would allow for.
So, then, if this mind-factor is so important, then we should allow for it.

Let’s look at some specific Preparation

First of all, let’s think about your own personal Inner Chamber Delight area. Here are some practical ideas that are often overlooked.

Are there kids? If yes, you will need a lock on the door, even if they promise not to disturb. The slightest notion of potentially a kid accidentally bursting in through the doors will put especially the woman off abruptly, and then it takes a while again to build up her mental readiness.

Is the place soundproof? Yes, right now you maybe as quiet as a pair of mice that don’t want to attract a cat’s attention, but as you learn more how you can move to higher levels on your Dance of Intimacy, you will also learn to allow yourself full expression of breath and sound.

How is your bedroom? Is it a dumping ground, an emergency place to quickly let stuff and clutter vanish when guests arrive unexpectedly …. yet never got around to sort out the ‘emergency state’. Is there a pile of books, coffee-cups, laptop, etc. gathering dust next to your bed? Have you gotten into the habit of watching TV in bed rather than snuggling? Do you have the tendency to sort out your differences and conflict resolutions in bed, then falling asleep well away from touch with each other?

Is your bathroom the opposite of a mini spa … discarded clothes piled up together with towels, kids’ toys, a number of half-empty shampoo and shower bottles, etc.?

I think you get the drift: make your bedroom and bathroom a sanctuary of bliss. Conflict resolutions should not happen in the bedroom, rather reserve one distincly seperate ‘corner’ of your home for that, deal with the issues and then enter your bedroom in loving peace.

Whatever you do, make it ”illegal” to fight, argue and worry in bed. Your bed/bedroom is your sanctuary. It needs to be diligently prayed over, blessed, free from negative spiritual influences, and be made beautiful to your individual liking.

Add lovely and uplifting and especially peaceful art if you wish. If your art/pictures/paintings portray people, I suggest that you chose something like a happy in love couple or you two together, rather than a single person or a crowd of people. Why? Well, so that this image of happy, joyful togetherness and union nurtures and nourishes the deep parts of your soul.

Add some lovely flowers. I personally find there is nothing more beautiful inside a vase than a gorgeous bouquet of fresh flowers. However, I often resort to good quality tasteful silk flowers simply as they last longer, thus more economical in the long run. But certainly, if you can afford it, nurture yourself regularly with the delight of freshly cut flowers.

If you have some unsightly furniture in your bedroom which you really can’t get rid of, then become creative with tranquil colourful fabric drapes to create a calming ambience shutting out visual noise.

I also suggest music in your bedroom. Some happy uplifting dance music for the initial stages of your Inner Chamber time (I will explain later in part 2); and for the second stage on the bed, chose mellow, smooth instrumental music.

Last not least have some candles and essential oil burners. In another blog post I will deal with sensual oils, not just the medicinal oils, to deliciously perfume your love den, your Inner Chamber.

The keyword is not high octane, fast paced passion, but relaxing, calming tranquillity with a deep radiance of passion that fuses the two of you into one with God in the centre; a love and passion so still and yet so exuberant that every cell in your bodies tune into a heavenly symphony rather than one short sharp trumpet call …..

…… To be continued on Part 2 ……

Live life with Love and Passion,

Geli

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© Copyright Angelika Regina Heimann – inStrengths Ministries – The Journey Of Intimacy 2009. All Rights Reserved

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God bless!

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The Journey Of Intimacy – Angelika Regina Heimann BSc( Hons), MSc BPsych, is a NLP Practitioner, Business Psychologist and Psychosexual Educator, based on Positive Psychology, Mind Technologies and Christ-Centred Spirituality – an Invitation to Hope, Healing, Growth, Joy and Bliss.

Rev. Heimann combines Christ-Centred Spirituality with Positive Psychology to assist couples or individuals seeking her advice to discover their unique personal inner strengths, build their faith, wellness, well-being, and happiness: mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually, to facilitate growth, and learn skills to build positive emotions, optimism and resilience while decreasing unhelpful thinking, behaviours and emotions.

To read more articles and personal diary posts go to The Journey Of Intimacy Blog