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How to Get the Mate of your Dreams – Some Non-Religious Pointers (they’re Spiritually and Practically Savvy, though!)

Friday, 5 September,2008

So many people are praying and believing for the right spouse to enjoy an enduring marriage with increasing intimate passion both with Christ and our beloved partner, and a deep sense of spiritual fulfilment and connectedness.

Yet, in the delightful romance during a breathtaking dating time, judgements can become a bit clouded.
Then, when things become a bit more serious, frantic prayer time happens with the big question, ‘is he/she the right one?’

This blog is a small part taken from my seminar workshop: “The Path of Intimacy – Preparing for the Journey”.

Many people stumble into relationships for whatever reasons (Oh usually they are so sure, soo in love, and they totally know what they are doing, no advice is welcome ..), and then get married – whether Christian or not. Some manage to get to know each other after many hurdles, and come to love each other more. Others, despite obstacles, have heard His voice in their hearts, saying, ‘that’s the one I have for you’, and are growing, blossoming and thriving!

Unfortunately there are even more people who think they know that they are with the right one, only to find out much later they wound up in a heartbreak, pain, torment … and divorce.

Too many times have I heard this scripture:

“So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6 NKJV)

…. used by well meaning Christians as a shackle against those hurt and damaged seeking a divorce. Yes, God hates divorce, but a very high percentage of Christian marriages were never put together by Him. And if we had been diligent in paying attention, we would have come to know His warning signs.

Maybe you’re with the right person God joined you to, and you know it, but you’re loving wrong, such as lacking knowledge and good relationship skills. You and your partner may have poor communication habits. You may not know how to create real intimacy. Maybe you don’t know how ask for what you want, and end up feeling resentful. Or, maybe you’ve been neglecting the relationship taking it for granted …..

Once you have God’s gift for you, once you are with Mr. or Miss. Right and you know it for sure, you then have to tend your relationship garden. Just like in the Garden of Eden, the garden was perfect, but they had to tend it and make sure that the garden hedge was not violated by anything that did not belong into the garden. It takes effort and continuous growing and changing into the image of Jesus as He has ordained you to be before the foundation of the world. You can never change your partner, but you can always change yourself to be the best You.

To quote Rick Joyner: “In marriage, I have learned there are those who admit they have been through times when they wondered if their marriage would make it, and then there are liars. Relationships are hard, and the closer they are, the harder they can be. I tell everyone that I give premarital counseling to that the Lord has ordained their marriage in order to kill both of them! That is true. It is also worth it! The greatest gift He gave to man was marriage and family. However, to have a marriage that is good, both will have to die to themselves. If either one does not make the commitment to lay down their life for their mate and their family, then what was meant to be heaven can be hell.”

Then again, you may actually be with the wrong person. Deep down in your heart you know. It might show up in various ways such as your love or life-style is incompatible with each other. Maybe you do not share enough common values and commitments. … But don’t just go by ‘outward appearances’, we are to know by the Spirit and not by the flesh.

How to get it right BEFORE the ‘I do’:

So, it would make sense seeking His will beforehand and making absolutely sure that it is God who does the joining, and not a myriad of other good sounding reasons, or pressure from family and church members.

A good starting point is to use the same prayer the apostles prayed when they sought for a replacement for Judas, and adapt it appropriately:

“And they prayed and said, “You, O Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which of these two You have chosen to take part in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas by transgression fell, that he might go to his own place.” (Acts 1:24,25 NKJV)

….. “You, O Lord, who know the hearts of all, show who You have chosen” ……

May I say here right from the onset that I firmly believe in divinely arranged marriages. Why? Well, He knows the end from the beginning. He knows and understands our personality and ways better than we do ourselves (He created us); He understands our long-term assignment better than we do (He is the ultimate strategist and He gave us our assignment according to the way He created us and knowing what we might make of it if faithfully chosing to go His way).

The same applies to the the life partner He joins us with …. yes, when we chose to submit to Him to let Him do the joining!

He also knows how we will grow and develop to give us every possibility that we grow together and not apart.

Many couples, unfortunately quite a number of them in ministry, are unequally yoked ….. no, I am not talking about being married to an unbeliever here!

Let me give you an analogy. You can have a thorough-bred show jumping dressage stallion and team him up with the finest race stallion yoking them together. Eventually one or both get hurt in the process, especially when they desire to fulfil their purpose and assignment in life. It may work initially, but the moment life and ministry pick up speed, the cracks and problems appear. In the case of the horses you’d blame the person who did not have enough foresight to join those fine animals. Some 13 years ago, God showed me that aprox 80% of Christian marriages He did not join. You can have two perfectly good people, but not good for each other.

I have seen it with a lot of ministry leaders who have spouses who just don’t ‘get’ each other, who are constantly at odds with each other no matter how much they try, who just don’t flow, and they long and ache for someone they can flow and soar with their God given passion for their assignment. Meanwhile the spouse who has different aspirations, giftings, hopes and dreams feels neglected and abused (abuse is a wide spectrum). As a result they grow apart. They may not divorce but live in pain, and eventually die inside. Either way, they will not be in the best form working together as a team in unity and joint passion to accomplish God’s will for their lives. They might try their best, but it will not be THE best.

Now, it’s not just the enemy, we have a will, too, which can run crosswise to the will of God, plus the Bible says that His people perish for lack of knowledge. The other thing I find is that a lot of people are not patient enough to be certain about God’s will for their life mate. A few prophecies here and there can be almost more dangerous as they could apply to a whole number of men or women who are near misses. Good is always the worst enemy of best …. and God’s plan is the best for us.

The following are some tips and food for thought from one of my seminar/workshops* that will point you into the right direction.

FIRST KEY: Practicing intimacy with Him and His presence

Folks, there absolutely are no shortcuts, there is no way to have a joyous, harmonious, lasting marriage where both of you continue to grow in Him, without Him being intimately involved. You two can go to all sorts of church activities, prayer meetings, Bible school classes together, BUT unless each one of you develops your own intimacy with Him, you’re cutting off your most vital lifeline in your quest for a happy life with another human being.

You need to first fall in love with Him, allow His love heal any past wounds, let Him love you to wholeness, let His love nourish you, feast on His everlasting goodness, let His joy bring you to new strengths. Only when you know that you know that you are complete in Him, will you be able to successfully be with another. The more you receive His love, the more your heart will burn with love for Him.

Learn and practice stillness

Come before Him in quietness of spirit, mind, and body. Create an atmosphere of stillness. This is vital if we wish to experience a deep, loving communion with our Lord.
Now, this might take some practice and discipline to achieve, but it is worth it beyond description.

There are various ways in which you can create this atmosphere of stillness, even in the midst of a noisy city road, if need be, but this is beyond the scope of this Blog.

As you enter into His rest by faith, believing that He has heard your request for showing you His choice of the right life partner for you, then expect Him to answer you His way, and not the way you expect Him to.In other words, don’t put God in a box.Yes, there may be times when He speaks through some prophets, maybe even in an audible voice. But more often than not, He speaks to you through the many seemingly insignificant things we tend to ignore or brush aside as not important or irrelevant.

Pay attention, be alert! Yes, the Spirit of God has also been known to use your mind and reasoning capacity to speak to you. After all, He was the one who created the brain in the first place, but to be used with a surrendered heart toward Him. Again, let me emphasize, when you have a surrendered heart , He will show you clearly. Plus, it is a good idea to have people around you who genuinely love you and who you can be accountable to. They may see ‘red lights’ when you in the flush of emotions might not.

In my seminars and workshops I like to challenge participants not only in the spiritual arena, but also in the practical.

So many people think if they pray and fast long enough, everything will be ok. Well, maybe this is in your case, but maybe God also speaks to you in the practical realm, combining faith and works.

Part of the *works* is really getting to know yourself and your loved one …. but before you focus on your loved one, you must understand how and why you tick first.

Why would you need to know yourself really well? There are several reasons. People who do not spend enough time getting a thorough understanding of themselves, wind up doing the same mistakes over and over again, and somehow never getting out of the loop. A sad classic example is, women who were in abusive relationships, wind up in the next relationship that is abusive too.

Yes, we need to trust God explicitly that He guides us every step of the way. But, by the same token, He does not want us to be ignorant and perish for lack of knowledge. So, when we get an understanding of why certain situations exist, or we permitted certain situations to remain in our lives, can we break out of the pain element of them, or at least love with our eyes open as a conscious service or sacrifice.

Another very important reason as to why we need to really get to know ourselves first, so we can communicate more effectively about what is important to us with our loved ones.
And the same applies for your partner/spouse. The better they know themselves, the more effective they are in communicating themselves to you.

This helps tremendously in avoiding all sorts of misunderstandings between the couple. When one is assuming that the other one wants/needs/ meant this or that.
One of the first areas for you to get a good grasp with is your own needs.
Why your own needs? Isn’t that selfish?? No it isn’t!

You see if you don’t know your own needs, they will surprisingly still be there and show up when you may least want to, and can create an unpleasant situation. If however you know you own needs you can then behave with precision, either put them on the backburner in order to give preference to your loved one’s needs, or communicate your needs in a fair-to-you-both ways.

The same applies to your loved one. If they don’t know their needs, and have not communicated them to you sufficiently, how can you satisfy and bless them effectively?


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Did you find this post inspiring, informative, or interesting? Would you like to read more on this subject? Please let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, I find it such joy to read encouraging and loving words!

God bless!

© Copyright Angelika Regina Heimann – inStrengths Ministries 2007. All Rights Reserved

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE OR BLOG POST IN YOUR NEWSLETTER, EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it:

The Journey Of Intimacy – Angelika Regina Heimann BSc( Hons), MSc BPsych, is a NLP Practitioner, Business Psychologist and Psychosexual Educator, based on Positive Psychology, Mind Technologies and Christ-Centred Spirituality – an Invitation to Hope, Healing, Growth, Joy and Bliss.

Rev. Heimann combines Christ-Centred Spirituality with Positive Psychology to assist couples or individuals seeking her advice to discover their unique personal inner strengths, build their faith, wellness, well-being, and happiness: mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually, to facilitate growth, and learn skills to build positive emotions, optimism and resilience while decreasing unhelpful thinking, behaviours and emotions.

To read more articles and personal diary posts go to The Journey Of Intimacy Blog

One Comment leave one →
  1. Wednesday, 28 January,2009 8:19 pm

    Dear Angelika,

    What a wonderful article on Getting the Mate of Your Dreams. Thank you!

    I, too, believe in divinely arranged marriages. To read about one or post your own story, please visit my blog:

    God can arrange your marriage if you PREPARE to let Him do it.


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